Sounds like the Lord's Problem

I just feel like journaling some thoughts tonight and it will probably be a little long. If you choose to read then that will be great, but if you don't then that's fine too. I just need to share about my adventure's lately.

I have found myself for the last 5 months in a place of the unknown with several things including my job, Trever's speech issues, my Grandmother's cancer, where our family will go to church or if we will even go to church regularly, talking with Dr.'s about my health issues, and I could list more. It's all scary and some of these things hurt everyday. Some of these things make me angry everyday. When I think about the hoops and hurdles I've gone through with Dr.'s, schools, and therapist to get Trever what he needs it urks me to the core of my being. It is an unexplainable feeling when you know that there is really nothing else you can do for your child but try and be the therapist yourself. I wake up everyday with my Grandmother on my mind and I go to bed everynight with her on my mind. I constantly wonder how the very person who has taken care of all of us her whole life could have something that we can do nothing about. The one who's held my hair back when I was puking my guts up or put a bandaid on my finger and knees, the one who held my babies in the middle of the night while they screamed just so I could sleep for a few hours, the one who drove 4 hours with my father to get my kids and take them to her house for a week because I was in bed with pneumonia and couldn't even walk or take care of myself and Jeff had to work. There is absolutely nothing I can do to fix her. All I can do is lay it down before the Lord. The fears I have about my own health........well, that's a whole other blog post that I'm not quite ready to do it yet. It's just all hereditary stuff and all I can do is the best I can do with the options I'm given..........and once again, give it to the Lord.

Through all of this I've questioned if I've been in denial or if I've just not spoken about it at times because it's easier to repress it deeper and deeper. Have I been a terrible mother by not being able to get Trever help? Have I been the granddaughter who's had a lack of faith that God can take care of my Grandmother?

What I can say is that through all of this I have daily shared my thoughts with the Lord ( as if he didn't already know them-ha). I've learned that even if I don't speak of these things to another He has heard every cry and every request. He knows the day's I feel scared and He knows the days I feel angry about it all and He still loves me and I love Him.

I have not been on a stage, held a microphone in my hand, or touched a key on my piano in 5 months. I walk by my piano everyday and I look at it......and then walk away. Those of you that know me and my heart, know that it's not the spotlight I love, but instead it's the moment of freedom I feel when I open my mouth and sing to the one who created me. I also know that the Lord said it was time to sit and let Him do some new things in me and Jeff and that is what I've been doing. It's so hard. It's so hard to be in an uncomfortable place and it's hard to stop doing something that you love so much. I sing to my Jesus everyday, but now it's in the shower, car, or to my kids at bedtime. Jeff and I have no church job or title, and yet we feel closer to the Lord than we have felt in a long time. We've been able to extend ourselves to families who didn't think christian's cared. We've been able to spend time with people who hate the thought of church, but are so longing to be loved on and cared for. I've come to understand my husband's heart and his calling. He is a servant and he loves serving other people. He loves to cook for the hungry and fill their freezer full of vegetables. He can plant a garden let me tell ya! He loves to put swingsets together for a family who does not have the tools to do it. He loves towing peoples vehicles for them so they don't have to pay a wrecker. He does NOT enjoy moving people, but WILL do it because it meets their need. For years he's had to sit and "watch" me do my thing and never had the chance to do his thing. I know that there will be a time that we are both doing our calling at the same time, but for now the Lord is totally getting us on the same page and letting me see that awesome heart of Jeff's. Jeff is totally understanding what I feel when I'm part of worship instead of just being a spectator of worship. It feels GOOD! We now look at the "Living Room" (some call it church) as a place that is a safe haven. A place where your core group is.......you know the people you lean on and the people you worship with and the people you call upon to pray and agree with. It's the gas station, I guess. But, it's not to be a bubble that you lock yourself inside and it's not the place you force every person you run into to go to. It's a place that we are sent out from. Don't misunderstand me and think that I'm saying you have to go to church to get what you need because I'm not saying that either. We get our fuel from the Father. We didn't go to church for 3 months, but we still loved and obeyed the Lord the same. Hope that makes sense....... I'm truly captivated by what the Lord is doing.

Two weeks ago I heard Randy share a statement Lenny had made. The statement was "this sounds like the Lord's problem." At that moment I realized that I'm not so crazy afterall. All of this that I've been daily dumping on the Lord is because it's exactly what the Lord wants us to do. It's why He is who He is and it's for that very reason that when we lean on Him and cast our cares and confessions on Him we start to feel like our load is a little lighter. The truth is that it's all out of my hands and it's the Lord's to do. I can only pray,love, trust, and obey. It's all His.
I am happy to say that the report on my Grandmother is very good. The tumors in her lungs have shrunk 60% half way through her treatment and she has 8 more treatments to go. I'm very thankful. Trever is happy and improves weekly. He told me yesterday that he saw a frog instead of vrog. I just think that was a little present from the Lord:) I finally have guaranteed hours in my job. I have two beautiful children that make me laugh everyday and a husband who can't wait to get home to his family everyday. The Lord is hearing my heart and is sending just what I need...............